I’m going to get this out of the way right now: canned soup is disgusting. The improvements made in canned soup technology have been slow — even today, canned soups usually suffer from either eye-booger-watery broth or partially-set-cement sludginess of the so-called “thick soups.” Seriously, folks. Just say no to canned soups.
Secondly, Ted Cruz is a total weirdo. I’m sure you already knew that. Despite some pretty strong evidence that he has made the proverbial “beast with two backs” with many people who were not his wife (some of whom required money in exchange), he has sought to ban masturbation and dildos. Like, to ban people from using them or buying them at all. And of course you probably already know about his extreme anti-LGBT prejudice and nonsense Islamophobia.
But you’re in for a treat: here is a rare instance where the grossness of canned soup and the unfettered weirdness of Ted Cruz mesh in the most delightful way.
Recently, Ted and Heidi Cruz were on CNN’s Town Hall with Anderson Cooper. Presumably, having nothing that they could discuss and still keep their lunches down (smart, gay journalist and dumb, hateful homophobe), they discussed soup.
Heidi Cruz recounted an anecdote about her life shortly after marrying Ted (probably right before she realized she would have to spend the rest of her life in utter, defeated misery). So here it is: He went to the store by himself and bought 100 cans of soup. This seems like an excessive amount of soup, even if he loves soup as much as he loves paying for sex (heyo!). So after “a tough conversation,” Heidi returned the decade’s worth of soup to the store.
Wanting to be a good Christian wife, and not wanting to accidentally throw off the Medieval shackles she agreed to put on by marrying Bible-thumper Ted, she asked her mom whether she had done the right thing. Her mom scolded her and told her to let Teddy-boy have his soup. So Heidi went back to the store and re-bought the 100 cans of soup.
Surely, some Cruz strategist decided that Ted needed to be “humanized” more for the voting public, because right now he seems like a horrible monster. So they figured, let’s share a cute story from his younger life! That’ll win ’em over!
The most charming and humanizing story Ted Cruz et al could come up with was a bizarre and inexplicable incident involving three separate transactions of 100 cans of soup. I don’t know about you, but my creepy crawlies thinking about Ted Cruz didn’t turn into warm fuzzies.
Featured image is a screengrab via YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sam_nEjFIew
