The Scottish are known for many things.
They are known for their acerbic wit, their cynicism and their predilection for wearing skirts with no knickers. They gave us the bicycle, the ATM, the television and, oh yes, the flushing toilet. And they did so whilst speaking in an accent that was at times so incomprehensible that even they were not certain what they were saying.
They certainly have a way with words and they are not afraid to use such skills to troll a certain president in waiting.
The inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump is now only days away and whilst the list of people who have taken the decision to boycott his coronation is impressive, there are some who have little choice but to attend.
The military, his daughter Tiffany, the dancing troupes he threatened to fire if they didn’t show up.
Oh and the media. They will be there.
One look at the TV guide can confirm that.
TV Chide
TV guides are still a thing. Sure they are in their death throes. They are holding on by their fingernails defending their place in history with all the tenacity of a ship sinking on the high seas. They don’t want to go and in truth, we don’t want them to go either.
Because sure, we can scroll through digital guides using our remote control. We can flip to favorites, pause programs and record so many simultaneous shows that we need to hire a PA to watch them while we sleep and then summarize them over breakfast.
We can do those things.
But there’s something to be said for the printed word, the feel of a newspaper in the hand, the acrid tang of ink in the air. Digital guides can tell you what’s on at the flick of a button.
A well-written TV guide can let you know if it’s worth watching.
Take Scotland’s Sunday Herald for example. Faced with the prospect of writing a description for the upcoming inauguration, veteran hack Damien Love turned what could have been a bare bones write-up into something more in keeping with the stress of the times.
He managed, to capture the sense of unreality that has been tailgating the election since the first moment Trump announced his candidacy. We’d all asked the same questions. Have we fallen into a parallel dimension? Is up now down? Should night be considered day?
Is pink now orange?
Love was with us the whole way. He too seemed to realize that the whole thing is reminiscent of 1960’s sci-fi.
The Twilight Groan
“President Trump: The Inauguration
4pm, BBC One/STV
After a long absence, The Twilight Zone returns with one of the most ambitious, expensive and controversial productions in broadcast history. Sci-fi writers have dabbled often with alternative history stories – among the most common is the “What if The Nazis Had Won The Second World War” setting – but this huge interactive virtual reality project, which will unfold on TV, in the press, and on Twitter over the next four years, sets out to build an ongoing alternative present.
The story begins in a nightmarish version of 2017 in which huge sections of the US electorate have somehow been duped into voting to make Donald Trump president. It sounds far-fetched, and it is, but as it goes on it becomes more and more chillingly plausible. Today’s feature-length opener concentrates on the gaudy inauguration of President Trump, and the stirrings of protest and despair surrounding the ceremony, while pundits speculate gravely on what lies ahead.
It’s a flawed piece, but a disturbing glimpse of the horrors we could stumble into if we’re not careful.”
The internet was quick to express its delight.
The award for trolliest TV Guide listing ever goes to Scotland's Sunday Herald….brilliant!!! Unfortunately now Trump will invade Scotland pic.twitter.com/Msk9Wc659v
— Scott Wryn (@scottwrynn) January 15, 2017
Scotland makes me proud, again – Sunday Herald Likens Trump’s Inauguration to ‘The Twilight Zone’ https://t.co/APqT4p3cjE via @variety
— Tarek Hijaz (@thijaz) January 15, 2017
"A nightmarish version of 2017". Utterly brilliant preview from The Sunday Herald of The Twilight Zone v2 aka Trump's inauguration. https://t.co/M0elicoSUk
— Joanne Allen (@joanneeallen) January 15, 2017
Beyond Sight And Sound
Love’s trolling of Trump will no doubt spark outrage from among his slavish devotees. Weary though such an observation is, we all know that they have zero tolerance when it comes to anyone saying anything negative about their beloved commander in grief.
They will cry ‘fake news,’ they will spit out their collective dummies and in doing so, willfully miss the point of Love’s satire.
Because like it or not, Trump will be sitting in the oval office by the end of this week.
And if that event doesn’t warrant a little spooky music then seriously, what the fuck does?
Do do do do do do do, indeed.
Watch the list of those refusing to attend Trump’s inauguration grow.
Featured image from Twitter.
