Garrison Keillor is a man of many talents. He’s an author, a brilliant satirical humorist, and host of the Prairie Home Companion. In my opinion, Keillor is one of the best social commentators since Mark Twain.
Now Keillor has turned his attention and wit to the 2016 Presidential race with an open letter to GOP nominee Donald Trump. Keillor began his essay by letting Trump know exactly how ridiculous he looks in that cap he so often wears, writing:
“The cap does not look good on you. It’s a duffer’s cap, and when you come to the microphone, you look like the warm-up guy, the guy who announces the license number of the car left in the parking lot, doors locked, lights on, motor running. The brim shadows your face, which gives a sinister look, as if you’d come to town to announce the closing of the pulp factory. Your eyes look dead and your scowl does not suggest American greatness so much as American indigestion. Your hair is the wrong color: People don’t want a president to be that shade of blond. You know that now.”
Additionally, Keillor speculates that Trump is trying to redeem his past bad behavior and the sullied reputation of Manhattan:
“Running for president is your last bid for the respect of Manhattan. If you were to win election, they couldn’t ridicule you anymore. They could be horrified, but there is nothing ridiculous about being Leader of the Free World.”
While he was at it, Keillor also offered Trump some advice on using a teleprompter: Don’t:
“The teleprompter is not your friend,” he said to Trump. “You are in the old tradition of locker room ranting and big honkers in the steam room, sitting naked, talking man talk, griping about the goons and ginks and lousy workmanship and the uppity broads and the great lays and how you vanquished your enemies at the bank.”
But perhaps most importantly, Garrison Keillor reminds the Donald that he’s a loser, as are his supporters:
“You are losing. And so are they but they love you for it. Meanwhile, you keep plugging away. It’s the hardest work you’ve ever done. You walk out in the white cap and you rant for an hour about stuff that means nothing and the fans scream and wave their signs and you wish you could level with them for once and say one true thing: I love you to death and when this is over I will have nothing that I want.”
Thank you, Garrison. We needed to hear that, and so does Trump. But it’s unlikely he’ll read, understand, or heed the advice.
Featured Image Via CNN
