When someone we know loses a loved one, it can be hard to find a way to help, and we often just don’t know how. We don’t know what to say, or what not to say. The issue gets even more complicated when different religions are involved. Believers in religion find comfort in their religion when they are upset.
That’s fine, but keep in mind that some people don’t believe, and don’t practice religion.
You could unknowingly offend a non-believer if you say anything related to religion. I’m here to tell you some of the things atheists like me, and non-believers, hear that could be insensitive. I know you may have the best intentions, but religious messages are not for us.
Here are some things believers say to atheists and other non-believers that could be offensive, and some different, not-religious comments you could use instead.
1. “He/She is in a better place/watching over you.”
People who say this have perfectly good intentions. They may be trying to find a way to make what you’re going through less painful, but what an atheist hears, for example, is:
“Geez, this really isn’t that bad, what are you complaining about?”
In this case, I would stick to “I’m sorry for your loss.” Even better, you could talk about your memories together. Listen to the grieving person; it’s much better to talk about the happy times they had with their loved one.
Many non-believers may be afraid to tell you that they don’t like this sentiment because they don’t want to offend you. Don’t make the issue about your beliefs, just be a good listener to your non-believer friends.
2. “God has a plan,” or “Everything happens for a reason.”
This is often offensive, even to those who do believe. Think about what you are saying when you speak these words. You are implying that the death wasn’t that bad, or the death was deliberately engineered.
No one wants to hear that the death they are dealing with happened on purpose. Some things to say instead:
“I’m sorry.”
“This is really hard.”
“This is so sad.”
“I know you will miss him/her.”
“It’s okay to cry. Death is terrible.”
3. “How can you stand not believing in an afterlife?”
One anonymous contributor said the above while referring to her mother’s comments about the time after her granny died:
“…She didn’t understand how I could deal with knowing I’ll never see her again. Because of course the two of them are totally gonna meet up in heaven and pray for my poor burning soul someday.”
When someone is grieving, that is not the time to have lengthy philosophical debates with them.
Here are some things that you can say instead:
“I know we differ about this, but I want to understand your beliefs better so I can support you…”
“If you don’t feel like discussing this, that’s fine, but if you’d like to, I’d like to know…”
4. Group of comments: Preaching at a funeral
Preaching to a non-believer at a funeral is just plain mean, and disrespectful. You may think that these are good things to say because Christianity encourages followers to try and convert other people. A grieving non-believer will likely be very angry if you use any of these comments:
“Come to God now.”
“This happened to bring you to God.”
“Your loved one would’ve wanted you to find God.”
“There is something wrong with you if you don’t believe.”
I’ve never even heard of people saying something like this at a funeral, but it has been at many. It is blowing my mind. This is rude to do to anyone with differing religious beliefs.
Would you say these things to someone who believes a different religion? Doing this to a non-believer is just as offensive.
By saying these things, you are implying that non-believers are grieving wrong. Presuming that is wrong. Also, you shouldn’t tell someone experiencing this kind of pain that there is something wrong with them.
One contributor, we’ll call him Mickey, said they heard the following from their sister while attending their Catholic grandmother’s funeral:
“How anyone could listen to that and not believe… you’d have to be heartless.”
Mickey said:
“It still upsets me, a lot, that my sister basically considers me a heartless monster.”
5. “Your loved one is in Hell.”
This is also very mean. Not only does the non-believer likely not believe in hell, but you are implying that their loved one was a bad person.
A contributor, we’ll call them D.N., heard the following after an atheist friend died and someone else asked if the deceased was religious:
“I told her no, he was an atheist, and she (knowing I’m an atheist) tried to say that I was actually mourning the fact that he might be in hell.”
6. “I don’t care that he/she was a nonbeliever; he/she’s getting a religious funeral.”
This is another one that is disgusting to do to anyone, and not just non-believers. A dying person’s final requests are not meant to be changed, whether you believe in religion or not. If you don’t know what the deceased might have wanted for a funeral, you should do something that aligns with the deceased beliefs.
To me, people who say this are trying to make the funeral about them. They don’t want to deal with a non-religious memorial, so they make the funeral Christian.
For those of you who are grieving without religion, check out this faith-free grief support group.
For more information about non-religious funerals, check out this video:
H/T: Alternet
Featured Image: A Screenshot of A British Humanist Association Video Via YouTube.
