How To Dress Like A Good Christian Woman

Ladies, are you concerned that the contents of your closet might make Jesus cry? Do you find men lustfully staring at you as you walk down the hallways of your Christian college in the latest fashions? Does your misogynistic religion lead you to believe you are to blame for that? Are you frustrated that it seems no matter what you do, you just can’t put together outfits that are “Christian enough?”

Do not fret, pious god-fearing women of the world. Harding University, a Christian college based in Searcy, Ark., has just the thing to help you make good, Christ-like decisions when it comes to your outward appearance. Presenting, Godly Gertrude!

godly gertrude christian college harding university
Image by Razorbeams, via Imgur.com

Godly Gertrude is the sure-fire way to make sure your everyday dress doesn’t prompt the Lord to give your uncle Lou Gehrig’s disease. Godly Gertrude is a prime example of what the outward appearance of a good Christian woman should be. Granted, Godly Gertrude can’t do anything to improve your standing within a religion that blames you for original sin, but by following these few simple steps personified by Godly Gertrude, you can make sure the body God gave you isn’t responsible for making God angry.

Step 1: No Cleavage!

This should be a no-brainer, but plenty of Christian women seem to have forgotten that whenever they put on a shirt or a blouse that shows the top of their breasts, God gives a child leukemia. Cleavage is what sets apart godly women from those back-alley fornicators working for Satan. Breasts should always be covered, fully, because even the tops of them, much like the parts you use to feed babies — in an empty room, alone in the dark, with a blanket covering you — pervert the minds of Christian men.

Haven’t women already done enough to make men’s lives more difficult?

Step 2: Shoulder Straps Must Be At Least 2 Inches Wide

Women who wear “spaghetti-straps” are just asking for trouble. Our interpretations of scripture tell us, and our preachers testify, that men lust after women’s shoulders. Optimally, you’d be covered from neck to wrist in garment, but because we prayed and Jesus told us to be a little more liberal with this (because the last thing you need is to die of heat stroke under the Arkansas sun, since that means you can’t birth dozens of little Christian warriors), two-inch wide straps were designated the absolute minimum.

We don’t like it, but we’ll accept it.

Step 3: Leggings And Tights Are NOT Appropriate Garments

God has told Christians around the world repeatedly that leggings, tights, and the dreaded yoga pants are not clothes, but are actually skin. You draw unnecessary, lustful attention to yourself when you wear these, both from the good ‘ol boys you corrupt and the sinful fornicators who do not walk with the Lord.

Anything that hugs the contours of your body is an invitation for sin to follow you.

Step 4: All Dresses And Skirts Must Be At Least Knee Length

In the days before our faith was under threat from the liberal media and the atheist agenda, Christian women all over wore modest skirts. It’s not a coincidence that back in those days, women stayed home, took care of the kids, and did everything their husbands told them to do. Skirts and dresses that are no shorter than your knees show your community that you are chaste, which will help you in finding a good husband to whom you can devote your every waking moment.

Step 5: The Hems Of Your Shorts Must Be At The Mid-Thigh, Or Longer

Wearing shorts is leaving skin exposed and your legs are a very dangerous place to do that. Since it is your responsibility to make sure no carnal harm comes to you (and your fault if it does), leaving legs exposed presents a great risk, for your legs are the highway to a certain place that you only have so your husband can make you continue his godly genetic line. The more leg skin you leave exposed, the harder it is for men to stay on God’s path, and the harder it is for men to stay on God’s path, the harder it is for you to be chaste.

What good are you if you’re not chaste?

We know what you may be thinking, “But, won’t other girls make fun of me because I don’t dress like they do?” The answer is yes, they will. But do not worry. By following the Christian college-approved dress code laid out by Godly Gertrude and Harding University, you will find favor in the eyes of the Lord, while those other girls will find themselves whoring for Satan’s amusement.

You may also be thinking, “Well, why should I dress this way? It’s my body!” That’s not exactly true. Your body doesn’t belong to you. It belongs to your father, who watches over it until your husband comes along. Beyond the corporeal, your body belongs to God.

There are other reasons to follow these guidelines:

  1. Help out your brothers in Christ. Don’t be their stumbling block. It is your responsibility, as a Christian woman, to make sure you are not responsible for the lusts of men. As we said before, it is your responsibility to make sure no carnal knowledge befalls you, and if it does, only you are to blame. If good Christian men fall for your womanly wiles, it’s the Christian way to shame you like you’ve never been shamed before (or worse!).
  2. Be a good example to others. By dressing appropriately, you send a message to the rest of the world. Remember, you are a good Christian woman!
  3. Represent God and Harding University in an appropriate manner. As a Christian college student, how you look reflects not just who you are, but also reflects everyone else. When you look bad, you make us all look bad. When attending a Christian college, you must represent the Christian college appropriately, which means not dressing like you hate Jesus.
  4. Respect yourself. When you dress modestly, you show the world that you respect yourself. Don’t let these “female empowerment” types, the one’s who promote women dressing “sexy” and taking control of their own bodies, get to you. They’re not advocating “girl power,” but “sin power.”
  5. It’s the rules. At the end of the day, this is the main reason why you must follow Godly Gertrude’s standard. It is the rules and as a good Christian woman, you follow the rules, yes? After all, you follow the teachings of the Bible, right? Those are rules. How can the rules of your Christian college and Christian society be looked at any differently?

We hope this has been an enlightening experience for you and has helped you understand your role in society as a Christian woman. Even though it may seem like you’re being singled out (because we don’t hold men accountable for anything or hold them to even a remotely similar moral standard), you must remember it is your responsibility to dress modestly, lest you think it’s okay that every time you dress like a whore, a baby is aborted.

Just remember, if you ever run into any trouble or are confused about what to wear, think of Godly Gertrude.

Featured image via Pixabay, available under a Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication.

Robert could go on about how he was raised by honey badgers in the Texas Hill Country, or how he was elected to the Texas state legislature as a 19-year-old wunderkind, or how he won 219 consecutive games of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots against Hugh Grant, but those would be lies. However, Robert does hail from Lewisville, Texas, having been transplanted from Fort Worth at a young age. Robert is a college student and focuses his studies on philosophical dilemmas involving morality, which he feels makes him very qualified to write about politicians. Reading the Bible turned Robert into an atheist, a combative disposition toward greed turned him into a humanist, and the fact he has not lost a game of Madden football in over a decade means you can call him "Zeus." If you would like to be his friend, you can send him a Facebook request or follow his ramblings on Twitter. For additional content that may not make it to Liberal America, Robert's internet tavern, The Zephyr Lounge, is always open