Halloween is such a magical time. Little ghosts, Darth Vaders, Power Rangers, Disney Princesses, and zombies roam the streets in their annual quest for juvenile die-abeetus, while late-night parties will be attended by Suicide Squad Harley Quinn, Drunken Jack Sparrow, Slutty Nun, Slutty Twizzlers, and apparently, Slutty Donald Trump.
Halloween is also a time when people go out of their way for terror and in no form is this more evident than via horror movies. For a lot of people, the horror film genre becomes an obsession, especially during the last couple of weeks before Halloween. On Saturday, millions will be combing the Netflix library for something to either satisfy their need to be terrified or for post-Halloween party “chilling” purposes.
But, let’s be real here. For the past couple of decades, horror movies by and large have been more agonizingly bad than Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood.
With that in mind, and also to satiate my need to combat the aggravating desensitization to horror in which I have found myself (The Babadook was boring), here are five videos off the Internet that would destroy whatever Pabst Blue Ribbon piss water the Netflix library attempts to pass off as scary.
1. Dining Room or There Is Nothing
Filmmaker David B. Earle, if nothing else, made a film that is disturbing and bizarre. Sitting alone at a table with a fire raging outside, a woman’s (Lea Porsager) eyes flip open and she says something indecipherable while holding a spoon. The camera pans out and the woman throws her face into a bowl. After a moment, the camera slowly pans back in while the previous events reverse themselves, revealing that the woman said “there is nothing” at the beginning.
David Earle writes on his website that the video is “inspired by a personal paradoxical desire for empirical proof that there is nothing on the ‘other’ side of life.”
On the cinematic style of the video, Earle explained:
“I wanted to blur the distinction between the two states, and to state the paradox by showing someone who is coming back from life (or death), and denies its existence, thereby fulfilling the paradox.”
I’ve watched this video several times and cannot figure it out. It’s creepy, low-budget, and makes an interesting use of quick cuts and a persistent hallucinogenic hum. Unlike with Dining Room or There Is Nothing, I cannot find anything about it. No explanation. No user speculation aside from YouTube comments that I assume were left at two in the morning by 16-year-old’s or frat guys sobering up with Taco Bell burritos. It’s almost as if the only proof this video exists is the video itself.
Either way, I’m convinced I’m going to die in seven days.
3. Girl Goes Psycho During Makeup Tutorial
One of the best ways to get a scare out of people is to do something unexpected. This video is a testament to that power.
Girl Goes Psycho During Makeup Tutorial was uploaded last year and has been viewed over 2 million times since then. It starts out like any annoying “like OMG!” makeup tutorial, as if it were just one out of millions of dumb tutorial videos that YouTube profits off hosting. However, things get super weird when the left half of the screen starts freaking out, which prompts the girl to stop applying mascara and then… well…
This video is likely fake, since the description contains a link to a website that appears to be some kind of paranormal-themed video project. Regardless, did you expect that to happen?
4. Creepy Video From The Deep Web
As the (admittedly creative) name states, this video is from that bastion of f*ckery not accessible by search engines (you know, the one that is over 7,500 terrabytes of content, or 96% of the Internet). This video is likely what happens when a group of art film students stay awake for three days on a steady diet of Mountain Dew, Hot Pockets, and snuff flicks.
5. Heaven’s Gate Cult
This video is not creepy in the same way the others are. This video is devoid of gore, disturbing imagery, distorted audio, or anything unnerving contained in the four previous clips.
This is Marshall Applewhite, leader of Heaven’s Gate.
For our younger readers (or anyone who may have been in coma in 1997) who may not know why this is significant, Heaven’s Gate was a cult that caught media attention in 1997 while the Hale-Bopp comet was passing Earth. They believed that the Earth was set to be “recycled” and such, they needed to leave Earth immediately. It was in that belief that 39 members (including Applewhite) ritualistically committed suicide over the course of three days in the hopes that they would be taken aboard an alleged spaceship trailing the comet.
In the video, Applewhite promotes suicide as a means to transcend.
Still creepier than anything on Netflix.
Featured image is a screen grab from YouTube.