Conservatives Are Having A Breakdown Over A Mountain


denali conservative breakdown
Denali (Photo Credit: Public Domain/Wikimedia Commons)


Leave it to American conservatives to stop kissing Republican Jesus’ feet long enough to get pissed off about something stupid. Ahead of his trip to Alaska to discuss the effects of climate change, President Barack Obama announced he would restore the original name of Mt. McKinley, Denali, causing conservatives to have a complete and utter breakdown.

Because of course this is something so important as to justify swift conservative response. America is on the verge of complete breakdown because the Muslim Marxist Communist Anti-Christian President is restoring the original name to a piece of rock!

President Obama’s decision to restore the original name of the mountain comes as a means to honor Native Americans. After all, Denali is the name they gave the peak. But, in true white American fashion, Native Americans can’t have nice things if it stands in contrast to the genocide and cultural imperialism white people have wrought on their culture.

Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) kicks off today’s episode of Republican Outrage Theater:

Act 2 belongs to conservative columnist Andrew Malcolm:

Interestingly, Malcolm may have the best tweet of the bunch. His commentary isn’t just a breakdown over a mountain, but also a breakdown in common sense intelligence. Not only does he complain about the name restoration, but he manages to flip it into a partisan attack on a dead Republican President AND makes the claim the name restoration is inspired by General Motors.

If I were the ghost of Henry Ford, I’d be pissed! You know, if GM actually had anything to do with the name restoration.

And now, providing the climax, the unapologetic Karl Rove, who is not only complaining about the name restoration, but plugging his new book without shame:

Conservative outrage is like a drug. Speaker of the House “The Emotional” John Boehner (R-Ohio) is like a junkie. “I’m deeply disappointed in this decision,” he said while presumably staring at a picture of the peak, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

What a bunch of asinine crap. Look, I understand the idea of being outraged over something, but a mountain? More specifically, a mountain whose name is being restored to the original Native American moniker stolen by white imperialists and replaced with the name of a man who never set foot in Alaska?

I fail to see why this is such a big deal to a bunch of obstructionist Congressmen and fact-deficient conservative writers who should actually be doing their jobs instead of whining about what American maps are going to call a fucking mountain.

This breakdown is not justified. At all.

Robert could go on about how he was raised by honey badgers in the Texas Hill Country, or how he was elected to the Texas state legislature as a 19-year-old wunderkind, or how he won 219 consecutive games of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots against Hugh Grant, but those would be lies. However, Robert does hail from Lewisville, Texas, having been transplanted from Fort Worth at a young age. Robert is a college student and focuses his studies on philosophical dilemmas involving morality, which he feels makes him very qualified to write about politicians. Reading the Bible turned Robert into an atheist, a combative disposition toward greed turned him into a humanist, and the fact he has not lost a game of Madden football in over a decade means you can call him "Zeus." If you would like to be his friend, you can send him a Facebook request or follow his ramblings on Twitter. For additional content that may not make it to Liberal America, Robert's internet tavern, The Zephyr Lounge, is always open