An Introduction To Ted Cruz’s Insane Culinary Class


Since Sen. Rafael Edward Cruz (R-Texas) will gloriously fail in his presidential ambitions, I propose the deranged senator find another career venture. I mean, his ability to be a politician is suspect, at best, so it makes sense for a man of Cruz’s enthusiasm to find a flashier career path.

ted cruz culinary class of freedom
Ted Cruz, 113th Congress, Official Portrait (via Wikipedia)

A recent video for Cruz’s campaign may ultimately hold the answer, but instead of attempting to become a YouTube sensation, I think it may be best for the man who shut down the government with Dr. Seuss to instead consider moving into the culinary arts.

Piss off, Le Cordon Bleu! Here comes Ted Cruz’s Culinary Class of Freedom!

Sen. Cruz already has a brilliant video highlighting what to expect from his patriotic culinary class. It’s probably safe to assume that the recipes will be simple, but fun — at least by the Republican standard. You know, the only standard that matters to the maligned junior Senator who “puts the lotion on its skin” for Wayne LaPierre.

In the video below, which I believe should have “Ted Cruz’s Culinary Class of Freedom” repeatedly flashed between the images (along with a 1-800 toll free number at the bottom), Mr. Cruz wraps some bacon around the barrel of a machine gun to a soundtrack that can only be described as Stevie Ray Vaughan composing ’70s porn music. At the end, the Senator unwraps the bacon, takes a bite, makes a face that kills my libido, and proclaims “Mmmm… machine gun bacon.”

Ted Cruz’s Culinary Class of Freedom would be an impressive business venture for one of America’s most-hated Congressmen. After all, despite the mountains of pitfalls associated with enrollment in for-profit colleges, American students still seem to flock to for-profit schools if for no other reason than a lack of options. Since Sen. Cruz understands the dynamics of education in America similarly to how he understands elementary school environmental science, and seems to have no problem exploiting poorer Americans for filling rich coffers, the modern-day acolyte of Ronald Reagan taking on a business venture that stands to complicate and/or destroy numerous lives just makes sense.


If an actual school isn’t in the cards for Sen. Cruz, perhaps Liberty University could offer Ted Cruz’s Culinary Class of Freedom alongside American Christian Heritage (HIUS 530) and History of Life (CRST 290).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DguoqhvnyM

Featured image via Flickr

Robert could go on about how he was raised by honey badgers in the Texas Hill Country, or how he was elected to the Texas state legislature as a 19-year-old wunderkind, or how he won 219 consecutive games of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots against Hugh Grant, but those would be lies. However, Robert does hail from Lewisville, Texas, having been transplanted from Fort Worth at a young age. Robert is a college student and focuses his studies on philosophical dilemmas involving morality, which he feels makes him very qualified to write about politicians. Reading the Bible turned Robert into an atheist, a combative disposition toward greed turned him into a humanist, and the fact he has not lost a game of Madden football in over a decade means you can call him "Zeus." If you would like to be his friend, you can send him a Facebook request or follow his ramblings on Twitter. For additional content that may not make it to Liberal America, Robert's internet tavern, The Zephyr Lounge, is always open