After reading about a newspaper in Mississippi that won’t allow gay marriage announcements, I have to say I am beyond fed up with redneck neocons who like to play the victim while shredding our Constitution with their “sincerely-held” beliefs. Here are ten reasons why rednecks should all band together and go about trading (or should?we say?”trait”ing- as in traitor)?their current space for a new one,?seceding from the United States. Let’s just admit that would be the easiest option for everyone.
1. The rest of us are tired of paying for your welfare.
Yes, studies consistently show that redneck counties/states across the country (typically in the South) are the biggest users of welfare funding. The rest of us are tired of you living off the government that you consistently try to call tyrannical. It’s not so tyrannical when you’re getting your check on the first of the month, is it?
2. You can make up your own laws and constitution, since you have no respect for the Constitution we have now.
After the gay marriage ruling, uber-conservative Christians in redneck states decided that their “sincerely-held” beliefs as individuals are more important than the secular Constitution that the Founding Fathers created. It wasn’t bad enough that the rednecks at Hobby Lobby sliced the Constitution in half with their bogus claims that companies, acting as people, can have religious beliefs. Now, government workers across the land believe they don’t have to do their job if it conflicts with their religious beliefs. It’s just too bad it’s not against their religious beliefs for churches to pay ZERO taxes, or we might be able to infuse our economy with billions in tax revenue to offset all the rednecks on welfare.
3. You can establish your own state-sanctioned religion.
With super-pastors like Joel Osteen, Kenneth Copeland, and Joyce Meyer acting as political leaders in your newly-seceded state, you can ask them why there isn’t enough money to hand out welfare checks for everyone. It might have to do with their multi-million dollar mansions and money-hoarding. Maybe, to fix the new welfare crisis (no funds coming in means no funds going out), you can all just be mega church pastors.
4. You can outlaw gay marriage and hang anyone who is LGBT.
I mean come on, we know you all are hankering to bring back lynchings. We know you can’t possibly appear racist anymore because, well, you’re worried about your public image. But, the Bible says it’s cool to kill gay people. So you can incorporate your lynching past with your newfound state’s constitutional law against gays. I hope you’ll have a lot of trees though, because studies show that a lot of you are closet cases anyway.
5. Everyone can hang fake bull testicles from their Ford F-350.
This is one way the rest of the world is able to identify you rednecks, along with the Confederate flags on the backs of your trucks. You could make a law requiring all citizens to have these (likely they already do).
6. You can have one political party. We will refer to them here as Trumpeters.
We know you’re tired of the bleeding-heart Liberals, bleeding their wussy ways all over everything America was supposed to stand for. That’s why in your newly-seceded country, you can have just one political party. The Trumpeters will be headed by Donald Trump. Who else? You can build big walls on all your borders, and accuse all surrounding states of being rapists and criminals. Your state bird can be the eagle, but only eagles with mullets.
7. Everyone from birth can be required to carry an assault weapon at all times.
In your new country, we know guns will be more important than ever to protect your homeland from invasion by gay, illegal-alien Muslims (and Canadians because we know all rednecks hate Canadians). That’s why you can have a constitutional amendment, we’ll call it the Second Squared Amendment because it will be twice as good as the American Second Amendment. All citizens will be required to carry assault weapons at all times from the day they are born until they die, and when they die their guns are buried with them (you know, so they can shoot grave robbers if needed).
8. You can create a law forcing everyone to be in a militia.
It’s hard these days in America. So few people are committed to militias?(aka white power movements disguised as paramilitary units) the same way that the Founding Fathers were. That’s why in your new country you can mandate that everyone has to join a militia.
9. You can create your own television station that will carry new seasons of”19 Kids and Counting” since TLC cancelled it.
Who knows, maybe you can even elect Josh Duggar your first president, since he’s kinda out of a job right now. It’s terrible how Liberals are so darned intolerant of child molestation.
10. Finally, you can have the Confederate Flag back.
With your new state, you can fly all the Confederate Battle Flags you want. You can even make it your national flag, which would probably be a good idea so the rest of the world can connect you to the beginning of the history of the Confederated States of America. In your new state, you can write the school textbooks however you want. The Civil War was about slavery? No way! It was about state rights and tyrannical Northern aggression.
