I was talking with my partner about the Duggar story?and the toxic shame victims live with. Something similar happened to her as a child, and she asked me if I wanted to share part of her story in the context of this article.?I share it now with her permission:
?The shame of being a victim of child molestation is one that fortunately not everyone understands. Did I really just say?that? ?Shame of being a victim? Generally we don’t associate being a victim of an unspeakable act as shameful because why should we feel shame for something we didn’t ask for-that we didn’t do? As an innocent young child though, there is shame and guilt. If we are lucky enough not to be manipulated by our abuser that we did ask for this, that we are gross and dirty and deserving of this horror, we still somehow feel that way.?
By now, we have all heard about the sins of Josh Duggar. Just last night, he resigned his position at the Family Research Council, an action that he took to try and outrun the backlash.
I hear many ideas and voices about what the Duggars should have done and about what they and TLC and God and everyone else should do now. So let’s ask that question: what now?
One of the loudest voices comes from the conservative camp, in which people remind us that we should not cast stones.
And what is a Christian to do, knowing that he or she is required to forgive, and yet, in practicality, live with his or her abuser?
My partner?also told me this:
?I’m happy to say that the person who molested me has made some pretty big changes in his life. He has shown me his constant strides to heal and never do this again. I am grateful he is changing and I forgive him. Forgiving him, however, has not healed my pain or erased my traumatic memories. I will likely face those for the rest of my life. It also doesn’t free him from consequences of his actions. He will never meet his niece or nephew because their safety comes above everything else.?
Ancient Words
For a Christian, the idea of ?sin? is almost as ancient as the concept of God. To vastly oversimplify, for a Christian, when a sin is committed, that act separates a person from an eternity of love and peacefulness. Sin equals death, but with the advent of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, sin is no more. What fundamentalist Christians lack, when it seems to come to the patriarchal structure, is the concept that the effects of sin are both temporal and eternal, but Jesus clearly knew that sin was more than just eternal.
Perhaps an analogy would help:
A soldier’s culpability for killing a person in war is diminished if he or she operates under the auspices of a valid nation-state, but the effects of killing and of war in general remain with that soldier — many times in the form of?post-traumatic stress disorder.
Through a doctrine of eternal forgiveness, according to most Christian traditions, Josh’s culpability is diminished.
However,?effects remain. A soldier exhibits those effects as PTSD, and many times, so do the abused. My partner explains:
?At the time that the truth of my molestation came out I was very fortunate to have people on my side, fighting with me. Even then though, that f***ed me up. I’d be lying if I said that now, 11 years after coming clean about the molestation that took place for more than nine years, that I’m fine. I’m not fine. I fight a battle on a regular basis, the battle more commonly known as PTSD.”
A Double Standard
As Christians, we are called to not judge, but I find it interesting that many conservatives tout the sanctity of marriage on the one hand and advocate for the complete dismissal of Josh Duggar’s actions on the other. Indeed, judgment is not reserved for us, but above all, the Christian commission is to love. It seems as if the conservative Christian response in this case is that being loving means forgetting what Josh Duggar has done.
A final thought from my partner:
?I read these comments on the article stating that it was years ago and that the girls have forgiven him therefore he should suffer no other consequences for his actions, but I disagree. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in second chances. I do not believe, however, that pretending it never happened is dealing with it. I don’t know how those girls feel, but speaking for myself, it is not done and over with… it is a battle I fight daily and if I’m lucky, sometimes I will win that battle.?
As Christians, we are called to forgive. And as compassionate human beings, we are called to protect the victims of molestation. If the Christian ethos is opposed to that protection for the sake, then what are we left with? For me, if these two positions are opposed to one another, then I am certain which camp I want to be in.
Final Thoughts
?Those who know me know how empathetic I am and how that can be a tool for manipulation. As I stated above I did forgive him, of?my own free will, but that still doesn’t take away from what he did — and the battle I still fight.?
Perhaps a takeaway then is that real world difficulties exist for victims, regardless of the guilt or not-guilt of a perpetrator. The part of a Christian commission to love is to protect the victims of such heinous acts which is something that happens less in a patriarchal structure than in one that is more egalitarian.
I wonder what would have happened if the children Josh Duggar had molested were boys. Would that have made?a difference to the Christian right?
