We’ve all had them. The call from a strange phone number, with the person on the other end of the line telling us they work for Microsoft in the Computer Activity Monitoring Center. They tell you that they have been noticing odd activity from your computer over the past month and it appears that you have a virus or some other form of malicious software causing your computer to run slower and slower.
They have a complete script, usually delivered in a strong foreign accent, with the noise of a huge call center in the background. I have trained everyone in my household who answers the telephone how to deal with these folks. Here is how one of these calls progresses when I answer the phone:
Me: Hello?
Them: Yes. Ma’am, my name is John and I work at the Activity Monitoring Center for Microsoft Computers. We have been tracking your computer and have noticed an abnormal amount of malicious activity originating from your computer at your home.
Me: OH MY GAWD! How do I fix it?!
Them: Calm down ma’am. I can help you fix the problem right now over this call.
Me: OH MY GAWD! Yes, PLEASE HELP ME! (By this time I am usually pacing through the house trying not to laugh out loud and give myself away. I have to stay away from my daughter because she tends to laugh and tell me to stop taunting the poor guy. Sometimes I go take a pee, making sure to hold the phone in a good sound catching position, especially when I flush).
Them: Okay, ma’am, I need you?to go to your computer and turn it on. Please let me know when it is fully started.
Me: OH MY GAWD! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING! I’m so glad you’re going to help me! Okay, it’s on now. Should I type in my password?
Them: Yes ma’am. I’ll wait.
Me: ?(while fake?typing, making sure to recite out loud whatever phony password comes to mind) Capital?P for my mom’s name, Capital?K for my name, 9-8-7-6 is the house number, and the city is Peale, capital P, small e, small a, small l, small e. Okay, password entered, let me find that return key – ah, there it is. Do you think that’s a good password? The nice young man at the store told me to choose something that was easy to remember, but that had some numbers and some letters in it too. I use that password on all my bank accounts and everything that makes you have a password too. It’s so hard to remember a whole lot of different ones at my age you know.
Them: Yes, ma’am. Is your computer finished loading?
Me: Uhmmm . . . YES! FINALLY! YOU SAID THIS WILL MAKE MY COMPUTER FASTER? BECAUSE IT SEEMS REALLY SLOW LATELY AND I HAVE NO CLUE WHY IT WOULD DO THAT!
Them: Yes, ma’am. Your computer has a malicious software on it and I will help you fix it.
Me: I AM SOOOOO GLAD YOU CALLED ME!! My son ignores me when I try to ask him about these computer things. He thinks I’m just a silly old lady. I’m going to call him when we’re finished and tell him how I fixed it all by myself. Well, with your help, but you don’t mind if I take all the credit to rub it in to my son do you? It will serve that young whippersnapper right! I raised him and paid for all his fancy-schmancy schooling and now he hardly even comes to visit me. He leaves my emails sit in his mailbox for months before he responds!
Them: Ma’am? Are you sitting at your keyboard? I need you to be sitting at your keyboard and to follow my directions carefully so we can fix your computer.
Me: Yes, I am at my computer. Do I need my fingers on the, what do they call them? Oh, right, the?home keys? Because I never really learned to type when I was younger. Not me. I was going to be a housewife, so I never really learned to type. I learned to cook. Do you cook, young man?
Them: Ma’am? I need you stay focused. Are you in front of your keyboard?
Me: Yes.
Them: Okay, ma’am? Can you look down at your keyboard, in the lower left corner, closest to you, do you see a key with the letters C-T-R-L on it?
Me: Hmmmm . . . YES! THERE’S THAT LITTLE RASCAL!. There was a cookie crumb on it blocking two of the letters, but I got it now! You’re going to help me fix my computer, right? So I can tell my ungrateful son that I don’t need HIM to visit me and fix it right?
Them: Yes, ma’am, I am going to help you fix your computer. Now, what is the key directly to the right of the control key?
Me: WHAT IS THE CONTROL KEY? You never said nothing about no control key! Where do I find that one? Should I check on the back of the keyboard?
Them: Ma’am? The control key is the key I asked you find earlier. The one that says C-T-R-L on it. That is short for control.
Me: What is short for control?
Them: C-T-R-L. On your keyboard? In the lower, left corner? (By this time, the poor guy is getting noticeably frustrated with me. I can almost hear him thinking that he isn’t getting paid enough to deal with old ladies like me with scattered brains and ADHD)
Me: OHHHH!!! THIS STUFF IS SO CONFUSING TO ME! I’m so glad you are patient with old folks like me. All this new-fangled computery stuff just CONFUSES ME!! Okay. So that little key in the corner that says C-T-R-L is the control key? I can’t believe I learned something new today. You are such a nice young man to teach me things my son is too BUSY to teach his old mama. You’re a good boy, John. You said your name was John, right? I hope I remembered that right. I get so bad with names. Is John short for Johnathon? I used to date a boy named Johnathon when I was in high school. He was really funny. We used to sneak out behind the school and kiss. Did you ever kiss a girl behind your school?
Them: MA’AM! I NEED YOU TO STAY FOCUSED!
Me: You just raised your voice! I can’t believe you just yelled at me! Okay, I need to be honest with you. I’m not a crazy old lady that you can scam. I’m an IT professional. While I’ve had you on the phone I have patched this call through to the FBI Telephonic Scam Division and they have been monitoring our conversation since the second time I said OH MY GAWD!
Right around then, they usually hang up. I did have one that tried to convince me that it wasn’t a scam. He reassured me that he really was at Microsoft, and that it was a legitimate call. I urged him to continue talking because it allowed the FBI to trace the call easier the longer he stayed on the line.
These people will stop at nothing to steal your identity, your passwords, and anything else they can get from you. Please do not fall for any of these phone scams. Microsoft, Facebook, Google – none of them will initiate a phone call and try to get you to manipulate your computer to allow them to gain access to it to ‘fix’ it. Keep a good virus scanner on your system and run it frequently.
Now, you have your script ready for the next time they call so you, too, can have fun playing with them on the phone.
