Recently, on a blog by Pastor Stephen Kim called nycpastor.com, a viral article?entitled “10 Women Christian Men Should Not Marry” listed the traits of women that are undesirable to any good, Christian man. I was disturbed by the traits he listed (a woman who likes to travel outside the home? Really?) and decided to check out the rest of his blog posts on marriage in hopes that the one I saw was an anomaly. I read both the one I listed as well as “10 Men Christian Women Should Not Marry” and “4 Purposes of Marriage.” It wasn’t an anomaly. His misogyny is rampant across the board.
As a domestic violence counselor, his blog?was just incredibly triggering.
*The image above is my favorite tool when working with clients. It encapsulates all forms of domestic violence, not just physical and sexual violence. For many of my clients who haven’t yet experienced physical violence, it’s an eye-opener into the ways they can be abused without ever being hit. While reading Pastor Kim’s blog posts, I saw that wheel represented in nearly everything he wrote.
One common criticism of religion as a whole by feminists is its promotion of patriarchy in ways that are detrimental to the safety and autonomy of women. Victims who seek help from the church often report being advised by their pastor to pray for their marriages to get better, and are warned that divorce is not an option.
Pastor Kim notes that divorce can be an option for one of two reasons, although he doesn’t define what those reasons are. Nowhere does he mention in his advice to women that domestic?violence may be justified as a reason for divorce. Instead, his advice condones many forms of abuse, just as his views on gender roles and marriage?are traditionally accused of doing.
Here are 10 ways Pastor Kim promotes domestic violence in his advice on marriage:
1. Wives, if you’re tired, ill, or not in the mood for sex, ?Give it to him any way.?
In other words: God expects you to have sex with your husband whenever he demands it. Refusing him is a sin and a failure on your part as a wife in the eyes of God.
How It Promotes Abuse: It negates the concept of marital rape. A perpetrator could easily say, “I can’t actually rape my wife. God says she has to give me sex.” Not only is this possible, it happens.
On The Wheel: See “Sexual Abuse”
2. Never marry a woman older than you, guys, since “the natural fallen tendency of all daughters of Eve is to usurp their husbands? authority.”
In other words: Older women are bossy and not able to submit to a younger man. These women should be avoided, since a woman’s apparent tendency to usurp authority increases with age.
How It Promotes Abuse: A person who wants this much control over and submission by an intimate partner is not seeking Godly authority, they’re seeking a partner they can rule. Power and control are central to domestic violence. What happens when a wife does “usurp their husbands’ authority”? How does he then reinforce his power over his wife? For 1 in 4 women, that power is asserted by the practice of domestic violence.
On The Wheel: See “Using Male Privilege”
3. Husbands, always remember that women are “not your leader and certainly not your equal in terms of authority.”
In other words: Women are not adults who should be allowed to make decisions. Only men are sanctioned by God?as authority figures. It’s perfectly okay, and in fact it is Godly, to control your wife.
How It Promotes Abuse: This is similar to #2; a domestic violence perpetrator is validated by this type of thinking, since his wife’s insistence that the abuse is not okay can be justified by insisting that she is not equal to a man. Anytime one person in a relationship is established as “lesser than,” abuse against her is justified by a perpetrator.
On The Wheel: See “Using Male Privilege”
4. “Do not marry a woman who is not willing to have children,” because a woman’s purpose in life is “to bear children.”
In other words: Women are not allowed to make this choice for themselves. Married women who do not desire to have children are going to hell (yes, he says exactly that) and a wife’s spiritual journey is the responsibility of her husband. If she doesn’t want to have children, make her do so anyway.
How It Promotes Abuse: It assumes that there is only one type of acceptable wife, one who “gives” her husband children. It strips a woman of her autonomy and ability to think for herself. If and when a woman decides to have children, it should be her decision, but?following Pastor Kim’s views, a husband is responsible for his wife’s spiritual journey. It is, therefore, a man’s responsibility to see that his wife gets pregnant, whether or not she chooses to, and to threaten that a woman will “go to hell” if she doesn’t is the ultimate in?intimidation.
On The Wheel: See “Using Intimidation” and “Sexual Abuse”
5. “There’s nothing wrong with the occasional family vacation. There is something very wrong with a girl who regularly needs to be ‘out of the home.'”
In Other Words: Keep your women at home. If she doesn’t like to be trapped there, there’s something wrong with her. Any travel that is too far from home should only be allowed if her husband is there to watch her (such as when “family vacations” occur). Women are not to be trusted alone.
How It Promotes Abuse: Isolation is a first and primary tactic of domestic violence perpetrators. The less contact a victim has with the outside world, the less likely she is to be aware of resources and options to leave an abusive relationship.
On The Wheel: See “Using Isolation”
6. It’s wrong for a woman to put?”her career ahead of her family.” She should be overjoyed to “give up her job for the sake of raising her kids” since “God made men to be the providers and women to be the nurturers of the home.”
In Other Words: A woman’s career is not as important as a man’s. A woman’s purpose is to be a housewife and a mother. Everything else is secondary. Women should not be allowed this kind of independence or decision-making, it’s dangerous.
How It Promotes Abuse: Women as a whole suffer financially due to the restraints on career advancement because they carry the burden of child-raising. While not all women choose to focus on a career, restraining her from being able to do so keeps her dependent and, therefore, unable to leave relationships of abuse.
On The Wheel: See “Using Economic Abuse”
7. Women, avoid men who are angry before marriage, because “these things usually turn into domestic abuse later on.”
In Other Words: You should be able to tell when you’re dating a man if he’ll abuse you later on. Domestic violence is the result of anger issues. If you see anger issues during dating and you marry him anyway, you were fairly warned.
How It Promotes Abuse: This pretends that domestic violence is an anger management issue. It isn’t. People with anger management issues are angry at everyone – the mechanic, their co-workers, the cashier at the grocery store. If he’s saving all that anger up for you, that’s domestic violence. It’s not an issue of anger. It’s a power and control issue. Many abusers can be very charming until they feel that they have their victims trapped. It’s not as common to see those issues of abuse during dating. Pretending that this could be a way to identify abusers early on?is a way to blame the victim for not foreseeing the abuse ahead of time.
On The Wheel: See “Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming”
8. Always remember that “the eternal destiny of your soul depends upon a correct response on this issue.”
In Other Words: You’d better follow the letter of the law on submitting to your husbands, ladies, or you’re going to hell.
How It Promotes Abuse: This is simply another way to convince victims that the abuse perpetrated against them is justifiable. When a victim believes that she’ll be punished in hell if she leaves an abusive relationship, being beaten up, intimidated, and otherwise abused doesn’t feel nearly as scary as the idea of hell. Too often, this threat keeps women forever tied to an abuser and in an unhealthy and unsafe marriage.
Please note: I am not in any way saying that choosing to follow traditional gender roles in your marriage makes you a victim of domestic violence or that women shouldn’t be allowed to choose these roles for themselves. You,?and no one else but you, should make that decision for you. The idea, however, of saying ALL women should follow the dictates of these roles is ludicrous, and this is too often a way of justifying and validating an abuser’s control of their victim. Women are able to think and decide for themselves. If you enjoy this type of marriage, wonderful. But if you’re in this type of marriage and you want out, no one should force you, intimidate you, or threaten you with “going to hell” when you do want out. By the way, Jesus himself never spoke on “traditional gender roles.” Never.
If you or someone you love is experiencing any of the forms of abuse listed on the Power and Control Wheel and you feel you are in need of help, please call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at?1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
