The 5 Deadly Words Men Use To Shame Women

As a woman, how often have you been called crazy by a man? I had a boyfriend once — all of his exes were crazy. His “baby mama” was crazy. Every single woman he had ever been intimate with was crazy! Oh but not me. I wasn’t crazy, he said. Well…until I, too, became an ex.

But was I crazy? Were they crazy? I’ve come to know one of them, and guess what? She’s not crazy. Not one bit. Could it be that he was using a manipulation tactic, and that he has been conditioned by our society to do so?

My story’s not at all unique. I don’t know any woman who has been single and in the world of dating and divorce who hasn’t been slapped with the C label by a man. “Men really need to stop calling women crazy,” an awesome piece by Washington Post writer Harris O’Malley addresses this issue, and he begins his piece with the following:

A thought experiment: Imagine how people might react if Taylor Swift released an album made up entirely of songs about wishing she could get back together with one of her exes.

We’d hear things like: She can’t let go. She’s clingy. She’s irrational. She’s crazy. Men would have a field day comparing her to their own crazy exes.

Yet when Robin Thicke released “Paula” a plea for reconciliation with his ex-wife Paula Patton disguised as an LP. He was called incoherent, obsessed, heartfelt and, in particular, creepy.

But you didn’t hear men calling him crazy even though he used it as the title of one of tracks.

O’Malley says that “crazy” is one of the five deadly words used by men to shame women into compliance. The others (along with “crazy”) are:

  1. Fat
  2. Ugly
  3. Slutty
  4. Bitchy
  5. Crazy

He says that when a man says that a woman is “crazy,” what he is actually saying is:

She was upset, and I didn’t want her to be.

This article is so relevant because O’Malley is a man, so the backlash that we hear occasionally — that we at Liberal America have an “agenda” for women ?– can’t really be applied here. But let’s test this.

  1. Men: have you frequently been labeled with any of those five deadly words?
  2. Women: have you frequently used these words to describe the men in your lives?

I’ve had those labels slapped on me, and this doesn’t just occur in intimate relationships. We had a man who did some work for us at one time. He became angry when he left, and he used every single one of those words to describe me.

This isn’t about that incident, or about him, or about me. I simply offer this up as an example that supports O’Malley’s reasoning. Maybe my experience is what prompted my reticular activating system to notice O’Malley’s piece.

Incidentally, this phenomenon isn’t reserved for heterosexual men labeling their wives and girlfriends, either. I’ve heard gay men use all of these words to try to shame or discredit women.

O’Malley’s observation:

No, ‘crazy’ is typically held in reserve for women’s behavior. Men might be obsessed, driven, confused or upset. But we don’t get called crazy, at least not the way men reflexively label women as such.

He continues:

‘Crazy’ is such a convenient word for men, perpetuating our sense of superiority. Men are logical; women are emotional. Emotion is the antithesis of logic. When women are too emotional, we say they are being irrational. Crazy. Wrong.

O’Malley reiterates what we’ve known all along. We hear “you’re over-reacting” and “you’re over-thinking” and “being emotional” or “being dramatic.” O’Malley uses the term gaslighting to describe the practice.

Gaslighting is a reference to the classic film Gaslight, in which Ingrid Bergman’s character is almost driven insane by her husband’s suggestion (untrue) that she is going crazy. And pity the woman who actually is taking some sort of medication, be it for depression, anxiety, insomnia, or whatever. This seems to give a unique edge to the gaslighting process.

This isn’t the first time a man has spoken up in defense of women and the word “crazy.” The Current Conscience writer Yashar Ali wrote a similar piece in 2011. From The Huffington Post:

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.

The word “crazy” is also commonly used by abusers — it is “a way of delegitimizing a woman’s authority over her own life.” People who are being dishonest with their mates find the word “crazy” useful, too.

To be fair, women do employ some of these tactics. O’Malley’s point isn’t to demonize men, and that’s not my goal. And most certainly, not all men do this. O’Malley’s aim is to point out that these five words are used to manipulate women and it needs to stop.

Minimizing somebody else’s feelings is a way of controlling them. If they no longer trust their own feelings and instincts, they come to rely on someone else to tell them how they’re supposed to feel.

Read more of O’Malley’s article at The Washington Post. I’m genuinely curious about your thoughts on this.

Has our society conditioned men to treat women this way? I expect a lot of criticism for this article, folks. I’ll take it. I’m merely drawing attention to another person’s work. I think it’s relevant.

Image: Pixabay

I had a successful career actively working with at-risk youth, people struggling with poverty and unemployment, and disadvantaged and oppressed populations. In 2011, I made the decision to pursue my dreams and become a full-time writer. Connect with me on LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook.