Domestic violence survivor Beverly Gooden didn’t watch the video that shows Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice cold-cocking his then fiance (now his wife) Janay Palmer in an elevator. It would have been a painful trigger for her?–a?visual of domestic violence that is too real and painful to watch. So it wasn’t the video that prompted her to explain — via Twitter — why she stayed in her abusive relationship.
What angered Gooden and stirred her to action was the public reaction and the media reaction to the video.
The age-old question of “why did she stay if he was so abusive?” is one that exasperates and angers people who have survived abuse. It’s victim shaming at its finest.?In actuality, the National Domestic Abuse?Hotline says that it takes an average of seven tries for a victim to leave an abusive relationship. From The Washington Post:
?The overwhelming tone was, ?Why did she stay??? Gooden, a human resources manager from Charlotte, N.C., told The Washington Post. ?I felt that people just don’t realize, asking ?Why doesn’t she leave?? is such a simple question for a very complex issue.?
Gooden took to Twitter to explain why she stayed.
She explained to Mic:
“I was watching the responses to the TMZ on my timeline, and I noticed a trend. People were asking ‘why did she marry him?’ and ‘why didn’t she leave him,'” Gooden told Mic. “When I saw those tweets, my first reaction was shame. The same shame that I felt back when I was in a violent marriage. It’s a sort of guilt that would make me crawl into a shell and remain silent. But today, for a reason I can’t explain, I’d had enough. I knew I had an answer to everyone’s question of why victims of violence stay. I can’t speak for Janay Rice, I can only speak for me.”
Beverly Gooden’s abuser was her college sweetheart. She describes him as a man who was ?attractive and talented, who could romance me and say all the right things.” She felt somehow responsible for her husband’s behavior and anger, and furthermore, she was in love with him and isolated from her family. ?She didn’t leave until she realized that he may actually kill her.
“It is never as simple as walking out of the door,” said Gooden. “There are so many layers to domestic violence. And not just financial, although those are valid. But we are talking about human hearts. It’s not easy to leave someone you love. It’s not easy to leave when you have no resources and nowhere to go. It’s not easy to leave when you are threatened with additional violence. It’s not easy to leave when you remember how it used to be, or when they romance you during the good times, or when they promise it is the last time. Or when there are children involved. Because you believe in love and you believe in them.”
Gooden understands why Janay Palmer stays with her abusive husband. She even understands why Palmer became angry and defended Ray Rice after the Bengals fired him.
Here is what Gooden understands, and what all survivors of domestic abuse understand: no one has the right to judge victims of domestic violence.
Here is what I understand. Abusers need help. Sometimes they’re genuinely mean and evil, and sometimes they, too, want and need support when they ask for it. We need to have programs in place that are easily accessible.
Most importantly, we need to have programs and easy access to resources for survivors and victims. It’s our job to show support and understanding. Sympathy for victims is helpful, but that’s just the beginning.?We need laws. Earlier this year,?the Republican House of Representatives refused to vote on the?Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). We need social consequences for bad behavior. We need powerful organizations who have some control over abusers to hold them accountable.
Equally essential to overcoming the issue of domestic violence as a society is speaking out and shining a light on abuse and abusers.
Gooden herself nailed it:
?People don’t realize that we’re asking the same question everyone else is asking. We’re wondering why we’re still there and why we’re even trying,? Gooden said. ?I really hope this will help move the conversation from ?Why doesn’t she leave?? to ?Why does he hit???
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h/t The Washington Post?| Mic
Tiffany Willis is the founder and editor-in-chief of Liberal America. An unapologetic member of the Christian Left, she has spent most of her career actively working with ?the least of these? and disadvantaged and oppressed populations. She’s passionate about their struggles. To stay on top of topics she discusses,?like her?Facebook page,?follow her on Twitter, or?connect with her via LinkedIn. She also has?a?grossly neglected personal blog?and a?literary quotes blog that is a labor of love. Find her somewhere and join the discussion.
