Sometimes you’re tempted to think that Republicans have reached the lowest level of bizarre and stupid, and just can’t go any lower. Remember Christine O’Donnell’s smug reassurance to voters that she wasn’t a witch, but instead she was, um, us. Creepy.
Or Todd Akin’s solemn declaration that women who are impregnated by their rapists can magically self-abort. (Akin must have been thinking of rodents instead of women, which makes more sense when you realize he views women as no better than animals anyway.) Or Representative Joe Barton (R-Derp) saying that wind is a finite resource and shouldn’t be used for energy. Or just about anything out of Michele Bachmann’s mouth.
Well. As my pal Dusty Rhoades, who is a better writer than I am, once said of the GOP:
Just when you think these people can’t go any lower, they hit rock bottom and start to dig.
Republican candidate for the Michigan House of Representatives Jordan Haskins just got caught with a honking big shovel. Maybe an earth mover.
Haskins describes himself as a “stool of conservatism,” which is bad enough, and says his far-right ideology is supported by his fundamental belief in “faith, family and freedom.” He then asks voters to ignore his predilection for doing his thang?in other people’s cars. Oh, and you shouldn’t consider his multiple arrests and prison sentences, either. Those were all “youthful indiscretions,” he says. Haskins is 24.
As I have observed before and will again, when I write it, it’s satire.
Haskins tells Michigan Live,
I have dreams and I want to make a difference.
My dreams include not finding Haskins plunking his magic twanger in my car.
Haskins has a long and inglorious police record. He’s served time in Michigan and North Carolina and is currently on parole. He started off as a juvenile offender, mostly involving stealing cars and going for joyrides but also larceny and trespassing. His most recent imprisonment stemmed from his fondness for “cranking,” which basically involves breaking into other people’s vehicles, hotwiring the car, and to the accompaniment of the spitting sparks from the ignition wires, indulging in the five-knuckle shuffle. He can never own a firearm or serve on a jury, but under Michigan law he can serve in the legislature. No word on whether the government will supply him with Kleenex.
Police reports state that he
[…] would remove the spark plug wires and sit in the car and?[do his thing]?while the motor was sparking and making noises.
I guess actually riding around in the cars just wasn’t enough any longer. (He apparently had a special connection with the Saginaw Mosquito Control sprayer trucks, and I’ll let you write that joke yourself.) Haskins says that was then and this is now:
I was just a lonely, angry kid at the time. If anything, I could be put on ‘World’s Dumbest Criminals.’ … I was in a messed-up state of mind mentally and emotionally when I did what I did. That’s the only way I can even explain it.
Let me reiterate. He’s 24. He committed his latest crimes when he was 21.
He says he is much older and wiser now, and just wants to be judged on his desire to serve his state and uphold his family values, which apparently no longer involve manipulating his mango in his neighbor’s Mercury Marquis:
That isn’t even me anymore. I’m not sure what really changed or what happened. I don’t know what it is about when you get into your 20s. Your chemistry changes. You get wiser and smarter a little bit. That’s what happened to me.
He says that even though he’s running in a heavily Democratic district, his rock-hard Republican values stand strong and will thrust him forward in the upcoming election.
I want to be the Republican, the conservative candidate that says, you know, conservatism is for you. Because conservatism, real conservatism, true red-blooded American conservatism is about grit, hard work, loyalty and traditional values. Your family values. … The three values that make up my stool of conservatism are faith, family and freedom. And I believe that many of the citizens of Saginaw share those same values.
If you live in Haskins’s precinct and plan to vote in November, just remember: if the voting booth’s a rockin’, don’t bother knockin’. Just come back in ten minutes and be sure to bring some wet wipes along, just in case.
He concludes,
You may not respect my policies, you may not respect my ideas, but you at least have to respect me as a person.
I have an e-mail pending with the Michigan Democratic Party asking them for their thoughts on the Haskins candidacy. Until I get a response, let’s just assume that they replied with a round of helpless giggles.
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Michael has been writing about politics, history and Web development since 2001. His first book is in development.
