Curious as to how Texas Senate Republicans got away with altering the congressional time stamp on Senate Bill 5 to make it appear as though a vote was cast on June 25 and not June 26, which would have rendered it null and void? Now you too can turn back time! Introducing the new Republi-Watch, available now to general white Christian straight male registered Republicans (in red states only)!
Falsification of public records has never been easier! ?Simply set the watch back to the desired hour and minute, then behold as the time on all surrounding clocks, computers, cell phones and other time-keeping devices is altered to fit your needs. Never worry again that the deadline to vote on a controversial individual rights-restricting bill has expired.
Functionality
How does it work, you ask? Since a true Republican wouldn’t believe the scientific explanation even if we told you, suffice it to say that the Republi-Watch runs on Jesus-Rays (patent pending). This is the very same technology Joshua of the Old Testament used to halt the sun’s progress across the sky.
To ensure that you are a red-blooded conservative and not a flaming liberal, the device must first measure your IQ. If it falls below 85, you’re all set to go! Anything over that, and you’ll be required to say the password: “Ann Coulter 2016.” Even at gunpoint, no liberal can be compelled to utter these words.
Testimonials
We the makers of Republi-Watch believe that our product is just what you need to be an even bigger douche than you already are. But don’t take our word for it. Check out what some of our satisfied customers have to say.
I arrived at Burger King at 10:47 A.M., seventeen minutes after the breakfast menu closed. Luckily, I was wearing my Republi-Watch and was able to convince the staff that it was half an hour earlier. That ham and egg breakfast biscuit was the best I’ve ever had. Thanks, Republi-Watch!
~Ron S. (Heber Springs, Arkansas)
The Republi-Watch worked like a charm altering the time stamp on SB5. Now if we can only turn the clock back to before Roe v. Wade?in 1973. Then we can force women to remain in the home and earn even lower wages compared to men — starting with Ms. Teen-Mom herself, Senator Wendy Davis… Wait, you’re not recording this, are you?
~Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst
Buy Today!
In 1989, Cher led the world in belting out “If I Could Turn Back Time.” Now you really can! Available in muted colors and austere design elements that appeal to Republicans’ bland tastes, the Republi-Watch can be purchased in select locations of Ace Hardware, Waffle House, Petco Animal Supplies and other fine conservative establishments.
See the Republi-Watch in action as Texas Republican senators once again attempt to restrict women’s reproductive rights. No Wendy Davis-caliber filibuster will work to thwart the democratic process?this time!
Republi-Watch. Because if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying hard enough.
Edited and published by WP.
